Thursday, March 3, 2011

Enough is Enough

So I started this blog a month or so ago with hopes of finding some sort of motivation and direction for getting fit and looking like the woman I have also dreamed of becoming. No such such luck! I have found every excuse not to exercise from it being too cold or too hot, too windy, too rainy, too busy, too early, too late, or my favorites- the kids aren't feeling well, the house is too dirty (I'm OCD the house is never really dirty, but in my demented mind it is filthy.), and the list goes on...So something's gotta give. I threw out the goal of running the half marathon in April. With less than 8 weeks to go til race day, that is an impossible challenge.

I continue to chastise myself for being unfit and unattractive when I look in the mirror, and it is really taking a toll. Others can't see it, but I know I am not imagining the ever increasing amount of cellulite on my ass and thighs and the threat of a looming muffin top that longs to be peaking over my jeans. This can't be happening! Enough is enough! Something has to change and fast!

I have described myself before as being a bombshell on the inside, and I truly believe that I am and that I can change the outward appearance to reflect that, but I am having a hard time doing it.

I refuse to join a gym- why pay for something that I can do outside. Spending hours walking or running to nowhere on a treadmill with no sights or smells of nature around me is just depressing, been there, done that. I despise the weight machines because I feel that they taunt me, and when I sit down after some uber fit gym goddess, I feel that I have to do better than her in weight or repetition, which usually results in disappointment, embarrassment, or injury- No thanks. I know people that visit the gym on a regular basis, and never seem to reach their goals. It becomes more more of a social event, and they spend their time gossipping or comparing new gym shoes instead of improving their bodes like they are there for. I don't want any part of that.

I will not join Weight Watchers, Curves, LA WeightLoss, or any other "life changing" mega diet firm. I am not overweight, just floppy, and I don't think I would benefit by hearing the other women justify their last week's weight gain and eating struggles. Hell, because of the food allergies, I can hardly eat anything that is "bad" for me anyway. It is definitely not the food that I am eating, it is absolutely the lack of cardio movement and exercise.

I did buy some exercise videos, and yes, I used them a time or two, but watching the skinny girls on the screen shake their whole body and have nothing really move is very disconcerting when if I even think about a shimmy my ass goes into a never ending jiggle that I fear may knock something off the closest shelf!

So what am I going to do? I know what I have to do, but how can I get and stay motivated to actually do it? I think maybe talking about it would be a good start. When I try to tell my hubby, I just feel stupid. He thinks I look fine, and if I am not happy I should do something about it...I'm trying! And if I talk to friends or family, they don't understand either. It is hard to try to explain to someone that at 136 pounds and a size 4 I feel fat and unattractive (especially when they are struggling with their own weight loss and I am at least 4 sizes smaller than them). So I feel that I have to be there to support and encourage others, but who is going to support and encourage me? That's where this blog comes in...I have to take advantage of it's listening ear, and confide in it all my hopes,  dreams, fears, and struggles. I hope it works!

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